Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Dear Future Self

Please be smarter.
Don't fall for an asshole. Don't let people walk all over you. Stand up for yourself. Don't let anyone put you down.

You're weak right now. The weakest you've ever been.
The breakup with Shawn has pushed you to your limits for many, many nights, but you're still breathing. You're getting through this. You'll be okay, we'll be okay.
Please tell me you've found a nice guy. Please be in a happy, healthy relationship.
Remember who you were, remember me. The sad girl who cries every night. The girl no one really noticed. The girl who was too nice to stand up for herself.

Please be better. Please love who you are. Please have the same amazing taste in music.
Things are hard for me, but I'm hoping, for you, they're better.
Please tell me you didn't cut your hair---that's not something we'd even consider. Please tell me you have better skin? Here's to hoping.
Please tell me you moved out and that dad's not in our life?

How are Nina and Colby? Please tell me you're an amazing big sister and that they adore you (us).

Please . . . tell me that I'm still inside you somewhere, this logical, sensible part of us. The writer, the reader, the girl who just wants to make everyone happy. Because . . . I don't want you to be completely different. I hope you remember typing this, and I hope you are still me. I hope you are the better version of me that I can't achieve right now.

I hope you're over Shawn, and moving on, and I hope you're so confident, and so wonderful---I hope you're finally comfortable in your own skin.
But I also hope you aren't a jerk. Please don't be conceited, because we were never that person.

Please, be the best of both of us. Please . . . remember being 17.

X X X X

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Down the Rabbit Hole

Down the rabbit hole go my emotions.
I realize the only things I've posted about lately have been Shawn and my depressive feelings.
I feel bad about that. But then again, I feel bad in general. It doesn't go away.

There are moments, small moments, when I truly smile, and everything feels okay, but then that moment is gone and I'm back to feeling sorry for myself. This is depression. It doesn't go away because someone tells you to be happy, you can't just "be happy". It doesn't work that way.
Depression is the monster in your shadow; always with you, even when you can't see it. It's a part of you. An evil, horrible part of you that you can't just get rid of.

I want to get rid of it.

I don't want to feel this way. I want to be happy. Why can't I be happy? Life isn't so bad . . . so why do I constantly feel like it is? Why do I feel so alone and incomplete, even when I'm surrounded by people that care about me? Why can't I stop thinking about Shawn no matter how hard I try? Why can't I stop crying, every time I hear a song that reminds me of him? Every time I look at the pictures in my mirror that I can't bear to take down? Every time I lie awake at night and have no one to call? Why?

I'm being ripped apart at the seams. I miss him. I miss him so bad. I hate myself for missing him. I hate myself so much.
I have gym with his new girlfriend, and I can't stand it. Just knowing he's moved on is enough to send me reeling. But to know she's prettier than me....to know they have more in common....I can't stand it.

I'm selfish. I try not to be, but at the core I am. I'm so selfish. Because, deep down, I wish he was hurting as much as me. I wish I wasn't the only one crying myself to sleep at night. I wish I had someone to hug and kiss and tell me it's all okay---and I don't. And he does. And I hate it.
And I hate myself for caring!

I'm trying to focus on anything but how I feel; on anything other than him---but it's hard. It's so hard. And putting my focus on Clark is starting to hurt more, because I know nothing will happen.

I'm going to spend Valentines alone. I'm going to go to prom by myself, or maybe I just won't go. There's not going to be anyone special coming to my graduation. It's just me now. Me, myself, and I. All the people I hate.

I'm interviewing Shawn for my article in the school paper, too. I just can't wait . . . that's not gonna hurt or anything.
I just wish I had someone to talk to every night. Someone who really cared how I felt and kissed me and told me everything will be okay. And that they love me more than anything.
We don't get what we want.

I guess I'm truly seeing how weak I am. I can't even manage without someone cheering me on. Pathetic. I'm pathetic.
I need to be stronger. I have to be. So why is it so hard...

X X X X

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Alone

It's days like today that feel the worst.
There's nothing to do, and being alone with my thoughts just makes me feel lonely.
I have no one to talk to anymore. I have no one to text.
Clark and I . . . that's something that would never happen. He texts me here and there, but the only thing he really wants is sex, and I'm not doing that. Other than that, alone.

No one to talk to, hang out with, anything.
It truly is the worst feeling.

And it kills me knowing Shawn isn't alone, while I am. It's selfish, because I dumped him, so why would I miss him? Because he's familiar, mostly. He's the one I could always text or call or go see . . . and now I can't. He's not mine anymore and I can't.
After two years, it's weird not being able to go to him. I'm struggling. I'm missing him.
When I ended it, I had no idea it would be this hard on me. It seems to just get worse.

I need to find something to do. It's like there's this hole in my chest that keeps getting bigger.
But there's nothing to do. I don't want to bother anyone, and I just . . . don't have anyone to go to I guess.

It's lonely.

X X X X

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Drama Ensuing

I was right about the drama.
Shawn got into a fight and got suspended.

And, if I'm being honest, I was relieved I wouldn't have to see him for the rest of the week.
But then he decided to text me to tell him he hung out with that skinny girl at the mall. He told me, surely, to hurt me. He also managed to say they kissed, in what I'm sure he thought was a smooth manner (it wasn't).

It hurt. It hurts to know that not even two weeks after he supposedly loved me, he's "falling in love" with someone else. How could he? How could love happen in a week's time? I mean, I have a crush, but love? That doesn't happen within a week. It just doesn't.
To know that he could say these things and move on so quickly is a bullet to the chest.
I was the one who was always there for him. I did everything for him, and now I mean nothing. We mean nothing. Because there is no "we". And it hurts. It hurts so fucking bad to know that everything that was ever said obviously means nothing to him.
It hurts to know he'd deliberately hurt me this way. That he would gloat like this.

I don't blame the girl. I'm sure she's perfectly nice, and I just hope she knows what she's getting into. But, of course, I'm sure she only knows of our breakup from whatever lies Shawn told her anyway. If she knew everything, I don't think she would be okay with jumping into something so soon. At least . . . I guess I hope. To me, a girl willing to kiss and date someone just over a week after their breakup of a two year relationship, is kind of a tramp.
But as I said, I doubt she knows. And it isn't my place to inform her.


10 minutes ago, Shawn texted me telling me he and the skinny girl (Shana) are dating.
BAM!
One more blow.
Bullets in my chest.
I can't breathe.

Waterfalls replacing the space my eyes used to occupy. Oozing in my heart. Bubbles in my throat.

This is the pain I never wanted to know. The pain I never wanted to feel. The pain only meant for stories.

I hope he's satisfied. I'm broken. I can barely fake a smile anymore. Everywhere I look, everything I see, reminds me of him. Of us. I wish he'd leave me alone, because I can't take much more. I just can't.
And if I have to see him and Shana kissing . . . I don't even know. I can't imagine what that will do to me.

The only thing keeping me sane, and keeping my mind off him lately is Clark. But when Clark's busy, and I'm all alone with my thoughts....

It's too soon. It's just too soon.

X X X X

Monday, January 20, 2014

Sorrow Songs

It's been a week since the break-up. A whole week.
I spent the last week looking as nice as I possibly could, and feeling good about myself. I even kind of got noticed by (who I consider) the hottest guy in school, that was a self-esteem boost that I desperately needed.

I switched between ignoring, hating, and being nice to Sam. I tried to be a nice person, to forget how much he hurt me. And mostly, I succeeded, except when he tried coming on to me and begging for me back. That is not happening.
But I won't get into that.


Actually, this post is just for last night. Last night, when I cried about the break-up for the first real time. When I had to bury my face into my pillow so my gut-wrenching sobs wouldn't wake my little sister a few feet away. When I had to go outside in the middle of the night just to get my head clear, and let the body-wracking sobs stop.

Crying is an ugly thing.

The crying was triggered by a text from Sam (Okay, forget the fucking fake name, his name is Shawn and I don't care who knows him or not).

Shawn texted me and said that he likes girls with issues, and that he's taking this hot, skinny girl to the movies and they have so much in common and she's fun and all this shit.

1. He's saying I have issues. I do, I admit it, I have issues. Who doesn't?! Everyone has issues about something. He used to say my issues made me who I was, that they were a part of me and they made me beautiful---now they're just issues.
2. This girl is skinny. I know the girl he was talking about. In fact, she was in my art class. She is skinny. But that is one of my issues; body issues. He KNEW the skinny comment would hurt me. HE KNEW. He knows how hard I try, how hard I work to maintain my weight, and he said that purely to hurt me.
3. Did he ever take me to the movies? FUCK NO. AND HE NEVER EVER PAID EITHER.

So you see, I was upset. So upset. Jealous? Yes, definitely. He texted me to hurt me, and he succeeded. He cracked me wide open. But more than jealous, I was sad that . . . that we could once mean so much to each other, and now he could do that. He could say something like that just to hurt me. I was upset that he once said I was the most beautiful girl in the world, and now he could practically call me fat. How could he be so cruel? I would NEVER have done something like that to him.
I knew right away why he texted me this, but that didn't make it hurt less.
I took the few items he had given me and shoved them under my bed, just so I wouldn't have to look at them.

My friends saved me last night. If it wasn't for them, I don't think I ever would've stopped crying. The hot guy I mentioned at the beginning of the post? We've been texting, (we'll call him Clark) and he really helped me last night. And it was the nicest thing ever, because we don't even know each other that well. Vicky texted me today and was worried about me. I just . . . I have the best friends in the whole world. I wouldn't trade them for anything, and I hope they know how much they mean to me.

I don't know what to do about Shawn now. On the one hand, I want to rip out his fucking throat and watch him bleed to death---on the other, I want to run and hide and never look at him ever again.
But, I won't let him hurt me anymore. I won't let him see me at anything less than my best, so I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing. I'm going to hurt him in the best way I can; by being happy.

There might be updates through the week, because I just get the feeling drama will ensue.

X X X X

Monday, January 13, 2014

Everything Comes to an End

The end, that is, being my relationship.
After over two years of being on-again off-again, it ended. I ended it.

Oh, you want to know why? Well that, my dear, is a very long and heartbreaking story.
So I'll give the short version.

I, being the bad girlfriend that I am, logged into Sam's Facebook and read his messages. I don't know why. I have no fathomable idea as to why I would do such a thing, but I did.
What I found were flirty messages to different girls, but one stood out most to me---the one to a girl he'd met just a day ago on some video chat site. For all intents and purposes, her name will be Bitch.
Sam sent Bitch messages saying that she was hot, and he was right. She was hot. Hotter than I could ever hope to be. But that didn't justify it. The last messages said about Skyping, so I assume they Skyped afterwards.

These messages, to me, were the verge of cheating, but I didn't want to start something so I took some time and tried to calm down---which only made me madder. How could he do that to me? Why would he do that? Wasn't I good enough? Wasn't I hot enough? Talk about a blow to my self-esteem.


I texted him, expressing these feelings. He denied it. He denied it 4 times before apologizing. But, it wasn't enough. Not only had he done it, but he lied. So I ignored him. I ignored him and wallowed in my own pity and self-hatred. I ignored him for a day.
The next day was Sunday, and I finally told him it was over, that I couldn't do it any longer. I tried and tried but nothing ever changed, it never would.
He wasn't happy with this, and said if I left him, he would kill himself.

I was outraged. Not only did he betray my trust, but he was now trying to manipulate me. That was the final deciding factor. I was done. I told him I was done, and said he was a cheater, which he did not deny. I wondered, what went on during their Skype call, but then I decided I didn't want to know; I didn't care.

He threatened and threatened and I finally told him to do it, knowing he wouldn't. After 3 hours of him not replying, I called to make sure he was okay---he answered, so I hung up. I'm not a heartless person. I wasn't so angry that I wished him death, but I was not taking him back.
The next day he texted me as if nothing was wrong, I ignored him.

Today at school, I ignored him and he kept asking me why. As if he didn't have a fucking clue as to why I was ignoring him.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

So there it is.

I felt good today, for the first time in a while. I dressed nice, did my makeup differently, and am making changes for the better. I won't be that sad little girl anymore. I'm going to get in shape, and be myself, and I'm going to be the absolute best I can be. I'll find my forever guy someday, but for now I'm going to enjoy life. You're only young once, right?

I do not hate Sam. But I do not pity him, either. No longer will he get any breaks from me. If he makes mistakes, he will pay for them. No more free passes. No more forgiveness where it isn't deserved. I won't be taken advantage of any more.
I will always care for Sam. But he is not the man I'm spending forever with, and it's time to let go.
I plan to get my things from him at some point, and move on. I'm moving forward the best that I can, and I hope he does the same. Maybe next time he dates someone, he won't make the same mistakes.

There's my heart on a platter. Broken, bruised, battered, and abused. But still beating.

Breathe, just breathe.

X X X X

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

New Years

It's officially 2014, and has been for the past hour and ten minutes.

I let my anger with Sam go and gave him his gifts. I had a nice time at his house, and his dad's girlfriend even gave me a cute keychain and earrings. Things with him are fine for now, and I'm just holding on and seeing it through. I doubt things will change, but worrying about it won't make a difference. I might as well try to be happy.

I got to hang out with Vicky the other day too, and that was fun. She's cool.


So, there's really not much to say.
I did make a resolution for this year though, I am going to lose the last bit of weight I've struggled to lose, and get in shape for bikini season, maybe I'll actually be able to wear one this year. I started early, and I've stuck to my "diet" (really just eating healthy) the past couple days. If I keep my goal in mind I know I can do it. And when it warms up, I am going to start jogging for real. I WILL be fit, and I WILL be confident and happy with myself.
I also want to have perfect skin, but one thing at a time.

I'm going to get my license, take my placement test for college, work on my grades, and get in shape.
There. I guess blogging it just made it feel more official. I'll keep you updated, oh faithful blog.

Here I come, 2014.